In This Life

Silently, I sit at night feelings the tears stream down my face. Sometimes tears of joy and sometimes tears of Sadness. Often wondering who I am and what my worth is. Trying to identify my mark in this world to my friends,family, as well as random strangers. I have been a son,brother,Little brother,big brother,friend,boyfriend,fiance,husband,ex-husband,father.  I've been able to travel the world both in and out of the country, I have made people laugh as well as cry. For the tears I apologies. For the laughter I have no regrets.   For anyone who I have friend ed I thank you. For Anyone who's has ever told me they loved me, thank you and I love you back.   Through the past couple of years I have seen my diabetes do things to me drastically and I've seen its stability. Ive seen the progression at a pace where I seen it effect lives such as my father. I know one day it will come to an end, yet I at least for the moment am not scared of that time. O.K. maybe a little, but not for the fact of dying, but for dying without ever becoming anything of significance. I know I have not been perfect or have always made the right choices and I may not ever reach a pinnacle but I would like to right my wrongs in this world. I hoped I have touched lives and have given good advice or maybe made you laugh when you needed it the most. I hope I have been forgiven by the people I have hurt. I hope that one day I can sit back and know that everything and everyone is ok. I am satisfied with just being Jack Gordan Earl Matteson the friend instead of the superstar,comedian,know it all. I used to dream of fame and fortune and continuous popularity. Now I think of equality,respect,friendship,peace,laughter and smiles. Easy to say or dream of, just as it is to give advice knowing that I have many days of uncertainty and dispare of my own. From health fears to relationship to finances to family. My body aches as I make others smile. I cry in side while I make others laugh. I'm not all right as I make sure others are. Maybe that's my mark "In This Life" or maybe I am hiding a unhealthy situation or masking my own imperfections. Either way I will keep searching to find who I am "In This Life............. Watch-Learn-Apply-Love