If You Only Knew

If you only knew how I felt
If you only knew how I got this way
If you only knew the humility I face every day sitting here

Still you cross my path with stares and snickers.
You cross my path with your head held up acting as if you never saw me sitting there.
I never spoke a word or had my hand held out

You cross my path holding your nose, to make it painfully obvious to others around that I smell less desirable.
You call me a beggar and a bum
A Whino or Junkie.

I have no sign or cup in my hand.
I have never claimed to be a disabled vet.
I have never asked for any handout.

If you only knew.
I was once a Proffesor.
I was once a Husband
I was once a Father
I was once a Uncle
Iwas once a Brother

If you only knew how I got this way

I onced lived a normal life with all the wants and needs as you.
I obtained a secure job with a higher than average pay and lived in a larger than average house.
I had both a High school diploma and College degree.
I had a beautiful wife and child.
I had what you would call a better than average life, with expensive toys and lavish clothing.
I didn't loose those material things because of any addiction wether it alchol or drugs or gambling.
What I did loose was my wife and child in a car accident.
What I lost was a will to live.
I would have traded all those things to have them back.
But you cross my path everyday with self judgement and combined stereo types, that all out here are the forgotten and lost souls who are lazy and useless. begging for their next fix of choice. We are outcast and low lifes......

If you only knew........ But you never ask.


In understanding that not all people in the world, act or feel that all homeless are this way,and not all homeless are scammers; It is important to recognize the actions and body language we present when crossing their path. While giving him or her spare change, food and clothes, is all fine; Sometimes they could also use human interaction. i.e. lenghty conversation. Not just how are you doing today and hang in there. But a genuine conversation of them as a person. It could be the change in their life that people do care about them and that there is hope and care in this world.... COMPASSION is felt by all..

I Am

I am Culture Freedom - like a Poor Righteous Teacher
I am the lesser of Kings.......
I am a Wise man riddled with more thoughts and less answers.
I wander with a band of fortunate fools, and break bread with the undesirables.
I have a doctorate in nothingness, yet a degree in humility.
I claim to know nothing, but understand everything about being a scholar of disdain.
I am a farmer planting food for thought.
Foraging the fruits of knowledge, I scan the plains searching for hidden sensibilities.
I am a Chef with ingredient's for a perfect disaster.
Yet I seek to find the aromatic pleasures that break down the senses to invade the palette,like a pirate pillaging a lost city of gold.
Only to be plagued with greed of wanting all in site, rather than the one perfect coin or bar.
I am a nomadic traveler with no sense of direction; Yet I know where Ive been and I know where I'm going.
I am a Compass of enlightenment......... Unravel Me

I Never Gave Thought..... A Letter to writers

I never gave thought of where you came from, or what your ethnic background was.
I never looked into our likes and differences.
You had something to say and I had an ear to listen.
You had something to write, and in turn provided me with reading material.
You provided insight and I gained perspective.
You write stories,novels,poetry's and reviews.
You speak on politics,religion,humanity.
You write the obvious and the obscure.
You measure your words with timing, leaving suggestive thoughts, unexpected twist, and sometimes riddled humor.
You write with facts,opinions,emotion and sceptisism.

With these I say to you; "I never gave thought"
Or have I?

Thank you to all who write and share...
                                                                                  Jack Gordan Earl Matteson

Apparitions Of Love

I am here in this after-Life, chasing After Life
At least; for one in particular.
You see I never got to gain a peace of mind on how you felt about me.
I never got a chance to ask if you ever imagined a future with me.
Was there marriage or family, were there kids and if yes,what were there names?

I was at my funeral standing by the oak tree.
I tried to call your name, but the rustling of the tree muted me into the whispers of the wind.
I wanted to see your face but it was covered in black lace.
And as you walked past with your head held low, I tried to grab your hand but my fingers just slipped through.

You paused for a second with this ora in your posture.
You turned and lifted the lace from your teared eyes.
And for a split second something in your face; a gesture that is hard to describe.
You can feel I'm there can't you?

What do I say to you?
Is there anything you want to say to me?
Silently I hear you say "I will always Love You"
And it seems you have stopped right in front of me and looked me in the face doing so.

How is this possible?
I am fading yet I feel as if I am glowing.
I will always love You too.
If only it weren't for those wet roads.

I was on the way to a Jewler to pick out a ring that day, when it happened.
Maybe my mind was not on full concentration to the rain and roads, as I was thinking of a thousand ways to ask you to marry me. Some were a bit romantic and some were down right silly.
When out of nowhere a car just like yours crossed the center line and hit my car head on.

Thats the last I remembered. ..... wait.... wait..... Why are there two gravestones?
I see alot of familiar faces from your side of the family.
I feel as If I am at your funeral too.
Then suddenly I felt a hand placed apon my shoulder.
And a soft whisper in my ears.
You are at my funeral.
I am also at yours.
I would have said YES
And yes there were children in my dreams.
Jack Jr. and Hailey if you must know.
And by now it should be obvious that it was my car.
And yes I can see you,feel you, and hear you,
So before we fade Let me hear you say "Love Always"

"Love Always Babe, Love Always"

Clueless To My Pondering

If you sit silently with your eyes closed,  you can see a cascade of colors dancing like a kaleidoscope at a State fair.
If you listen close enough you can hear a hollow buzz swirling around your very being as it echoes through your senses.
Stare at absolutely nothing and you can see space dust  and bubbles of light.
Is this Nirvana?
At these moments are we escaping our body or is this a form of self hallucinations?
Are We There Yet?
I am on the Great Space Coaster with purple Mushrooms waving at Willy Wonka !!!
Maybe its just a sugar rush as my insulin pen decides to play hide and seek during times of need.
No this is something else......
The tap dancing turtle even has a sign that says "No this is something else"
There is no Alice... Just Malice and Greed - Love and Hate
Devilish Angels who cannot Relate
To rules of riddles Set forth by the Proctor
Seuss was a character and surely was a --- Doctor I think he just flat lined_____________________;
Skip Skip said the murmur, Skip like a stone side arm slung across the lakes of imagination.
Skip everything you've learned in books
If I was a studious man, I would be the lesser of fortunate fools who has not learned a thing about the beauty of bliss and ignorance.
Passion of thought and creativity is the beating of my heart and the breath that speaks what is written...

Clueless to my Pondering

Self Reverence

I travel the plains of a empty mind
Climb the hills of a jumbled thought
I am a drifter - Wandering the wonders within
Searching for a word to express emptiness

Filling the void of passion
Bridging the gap of emotions - Or lack of
Who am I and how did I arrive at this place
I am a seeker

Steadfast to my convictions
I submit to an inner anguish
Listening to whispers of a tormented soul
Traveling the rails of a brain wave

A rebel to my fears - As I stand alone
Yearning to find an answer- I ponder my very existance
So I freeze the frame and adjust the pieces
Traveling the questions that hope to find answers

I am a wanderer..............Wondering
with disdained reverance

Asian Scholastic Misfits (Call Me Clever)

Two radical who were anti sabbatical
Asked me to solve their problem......Mathematical
The Asian kid can fix it - The Asian kid can fix this
But me trying to equate relates to an NFL pick six
So quickly I was dismissed - bags packed with a clinched fist
If only to bare witness - Asian Scholastic Misfits
Who scored low on the S.A.T's and clueless to an FCAT
You see; Me join a study group - You knew I'd say F-That
My English is so-so - Probably better than yours though
The teacher said to turn in an essay so I turned on Francisco
And Chewi and Pablo and Chico and Hector
Now their in jail - and you know what? I bet their
Pissed and Angry - Ready to Shank me
I did what the teacher said - So really they should thank me
Cuz I'm a genius in my own rights - A scope to my own sights
I Boil a mean water - so my Science is so tight.......ly
Wrapped with precision - Who needs your permission
To say what I say - and write what's not written
In manuals or study books - I got this word study shook
tremble with fear I am hear with a muggy look
So call me an outcast - call me what ever
Absurd with my words - Or just call me Clever

Silently Waiting

Silently waiting, I sit listening to world pass by
For all the birds chirping, the rustling of almost naked trees rattling in the winter breeze
The children's laughter of outdoor activities
Here I stand Silently waiting

The sounds that would normally put smiles on a face
In assurance that today is a good day and that the world is alright
I sit with a doldrum about my being
Here I am Silently waiting

Counting the days of past
Measuring the memories that have yet to fade
Yearning to hear the words that I long to hear
Silently Waiting for "I Love You Too"